Post 18: In The Dumps

Or at least nearby. I have good moments, almost like high highs, followed by bad and I don't know why. I can't keep myself stable. Friday I hung out with someone, Saturday I went on a hike with some people, Sunday I was lonely. It's like I have no hope for the future. I think I'm going to be alone forever even when my recent past is enough to tell me differently. It's like I don't know where I am. I'm not in the moment, I'm existing in the past, in some trauma, or some idea of myself or the world where it seems like no matter what I do things won't get better. And I often choose to wallow in it.

It seems like it's a mindset where nothing is good enough. I'm not good enough, my environment. I'm never satisfied. I'm like a spoiled child. I was a spoiled child. The way I got things when I was younger was to pout until my parents got it for me. Until I got my way. What am I wanting now? Sex and a relationship. I want relief. I go hangout with people in the program, have great conversations, a really enjoyable time, and still it's not good enough. And the crazy thing is I canceled plans with a woman on Sunday so I could get ready for the week. Fear drives me. I feel that and I'm frustrated. It's like something that's not me is controlling me and I feel like I have no hope to overcome it.

This must be deprivation at play again. I forget it's all up to me. If I want to start dating then I can start dating. But I tell myself I'm not ready. Fear holds me back. I believe I'm not good enough and so fear bad things will happen: rejection, humiliation etc. I want to hang out with somebody and have sex on Sunday, when I'm at my most lonely. I tell myself I can't. I'm not good enough, that's not good for me. I can't do it because I'm not well enough for it. I'm not like everyone else, I'm sick. I believe I have some tyrant hanging over me when really it's me. I'm the one choosing not to date, and if I get lonely on Sundays or whenever else then why don't I take steps to alleviate that, rather than look for someone to blame and criticize, which in this case is myself, or "the world," ie some circumstance that's somehow different than what everyone else experiences which holds me back.

Really it's me. I'm the one holding me back and I want more relief because of it. Craving comes in, fantasy, obsession. I keep waiting for someone to tell me I'm ready, or to have all my ducks in a row so I won't look foolish in front of a date. I want to have more friends, more money, be more established, have a good job, be well-rounded, balanced, centered. It's always something. When I first got sober I said I would take a year off from dating. That was two and a half years ago. When I finished my year I said I would wait until after my fifth step, then it was after I read this book or that one. It seems wrong to admit to myself that I want to have sex because I'm an addict and I shouldn't want that, or it's dangerous for me. Or if I want it that must mean it's unhealthy, because anything that comes from me is. But it's natural and healthy to want to have sex, and I think the two things that make it feel odd for me are 1) how I feel about myself, and 2) the fact that I'm obviously afraid of it, and all that goes along with it. The fear makes the obsession worse.

But this doesn't feel quite right. It feels like something else is going on. The craving has been worse lately. I've been obsessing about it. The issue is dating but it isn't, it's me. Dating is just the latest way this pattern shows up. But there's a woman who's been trying to get me to hang out, and it seems like she wants to have sex, and I'm afraid, and it's bringing up all kinds of things for me, and I'm stressing about money, and lack of a job, and craving more relief, and now it seems like sex is possible for me and it's fueling fantasy and shame, and I'm feeling more out of control and blaming myself for it, feeling frustrated for it, like I can't do anything. Frustrated with all the things that are happening in my body. Really wanting to do it and really wanting not to.

Why wouldn't I do it? She's not age appropriate, and that's on my bottom lines, but beyond that I wonder what my parents would think, other people. And that's got me thinking that vanity, ie, worrying what other people think is the basis for all of my decisions. Maybe I don't go after what I really want because of it. Maybe i don't know who I am because of it. Before I do something I wonder how it would make me look, not how it makes me feel. I can't always notice what I'm feeling because I'm wondering what this thing, even potential partners, can do for me, how it will boost some perceived status. On some level I know this, and judge myself for it, and act very nice to people in order to counteract it. I believe I'm not a very good person. Maybe this is part of why I get so anxious when I smoke weed. I feel like something will be seen that never should: me.

So should I have sex with this woman? All I can think about is the positions we'll do it in. That can't be very healthy. It just sounds like vanity, validation seeking which may be ok for some people but not for me. There's no telling what it will lead to. But the thing I'm mostly afraid of is the shame. If shame comes in, the way it comes in, I can't function, and I get so worried what people will think (mostly my parents?) that I nearly have a breakdown. And so everything I do, and everyone, have to be perfect, so that no one can say anything, and I never get to know who I am or what I want or how I feel because I'm so busy living my life for other people that my own life is spent in misery, and I'm so used to misery now that I wear it like a security blanket, and I keep going back to it because it's better than fear and uncertainty and it makes me feel in control. And once again the pain and vulnerability and joy that come with life can never get close to me, and I only experience one side of it, the misery. But now something inside of me thirsts for something more, and I don't know how to give it to myself. What's possible when all you know is shame and pain? And so I stay stuck, thrill seeking to soothe, waiting for something to rescue me, to prove I'm worthy, rather than taking action and doing it myself because somedays this addiction and misery feels good. It feels safe and familiar until it doesn't, until you have enough lonely Sundays that you finally want to do something different, but then feel powerless because you don't know how. Well maybe the first step, again, is asking for help.